Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Post-vacation blues

Since I returned to Toronto I still don't have that fine balance between yoga practice, work and daily activities. I started yoga with half primary, one hour, practice and now every muscle is hurting me. On Monday night I went to "beer night" and I met my friends. On Tuesday night the Angel came over and although we had wonderful time, I left to bed late.

So far, I had no enough sleep to recover from my trip and I'm struggling with 30 days yoga challenge. It will take awhile until I gain more strength. Thanksgiving Day is on Monday so there is a long weekend here in Canada. I'll use those non-working days to strengthen my yoga practice.

Every time after vacation, after my trip back home or Mexico vacation, I enter into state of silent depression, where I try to embrace my daily life slowly, claiming I need to “recover” from the exhausting trip I just had, but in truth it’s a lot more than that. I feel like I’m at the end of a journey, there is nothing to look forward to, pre-trip happiness is gone. It all ends with my wish to sleep a lot. 

I feel that wherever I may go, nothing waits for me at the end of the journey. I do not know what I am and therefore I imagine myself to be what I am not. Hence desires and fear and overwhelming despair. And meaningless activities in order to escape boredom of daily life.

This is known as post-vacation blues and for me it is the same after every trip. I miss my relatives and friends I met, I miss the "nothing-to-worry" state of mind and things I did. 

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Monday, October 5, 2015

No longer swayed by shiny attractions

What you are thinking of as "awake" - some intense new passion for a worthy cause or a deep feeling of love for all existence, is actually the deep sleep, much deeper than a feeling of boredom or indifference. It is an intense association with the Illusion. The bored and the indifferent are on the verge of leaving the lure of the temptress Maya behind, no longer swayed by her shiny attractions. They are on the verge of waking.
~ Shri Sadguru Siddharameshwar Maharaj
6 AM... Monday, October 5th 2015, the first practice starts after I post this. The life has returned to usual routine. At some point in time, dear reader, you will conclude that there is nothing great about the world you live in. Whether this is inspired by a mystery of death, the "awe-inspiring" boredom, or the feelings experienced in interaction with others, at that moment you will start wondering what is this all about...

I just came from vacation and I'm tired of listening about sad stories of my relatives and friends back home. Everyone has the one. My life is a different. I'm not in a rush. I am not following the world's frantic tempo. 

I've stopped comparing myself to my relatives and friends. I've stopped competition with them. I have no judgments and I am not interested of what they do.

I have done many things in my life and I don't regret any of it. I know that regret is something related only to thinking about some mistake while, in reality, there is no such thing. There are things to be learned from every situation. Every mistake is a lesson. 

I don't worry for anything in this world. Fear is imagination, worrying is sign of ignorance. I don't blame neither myself nor others. The blaming is the easiest escape by placing attention on something that exists only in the mind. 

As blame, the guilt is the outcome of stupid mistakes. If I start to feel guilty about something, it’s time to move forward.

An unrealistic perception of life is the bases of all fears. Fear is always about what is going to happen next. That means fear is about things that don't exist.

I try to laugh as many times as I can completely aware that my laughter is useless. But, when I'm able to laugh at myself, I automatically win... for a while. ;-)  

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Home! Sweet Home!

I am back to Toronto. My trip back started on Friday night. I traveled 3 hours from Cacak to Belgrade. Did not sleep much, my niece and her husband came to visit us and we stayed until 1 AM. I woke up at 4 AM and left to airport. The flight to Amsterdam started at 6:50 AM. Everything was on time and I was in Amsterdam at 9:15 AM.

I waited more than 8 hours for the flight to Toronto. At 6 PM the aircraft finally was in the air and the flight took about 8 hours. Came to Toronto around 8 PM and the Angel was waiting for me outside. I came to home around 9 PM... Almost 24 hours trip but I was happy. My vacation and trip back home was full success.

Now, the life continues as usual. Tomorrow, 30 days of yoga challenge starts and I am committed to do everyday yoga for next 30 days. No rest days. Every practice should be at least 30 minutes long, so in order to count the practice I need to perform all standing and some finishing poses. I did not practice yoga last 2 weeks and it will be challenge to get back to regular routine.

The Angel was waiting me at the airport and she is now with me while I am writing this. I bought her a nice leather bag. We just came from breakfast at Sunset Grill on Bloor street. We went to buy groceries and my fridge is full and "ready" for the next week.

One my good friend will come at 2 PM to bring me metro-pass for October and my daughter will come to visit me tonight. I bought her nice presents too, a perfume, jacket and boots. She was sleeping at my place several times while I was back home. She kept apartment nice and clean.

The debt left from my vacation is, of course, greater than I was anticipated. I will need couple of months to return to financial balance but it is okay. I had a great vacation and I don' regret spending money.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

My niece's wedding

Sunday afternoon. It is raining outside, real boring rain. First week of my vacation is finished... Sitting at an internet cafe, drinking espresso and writing this post...

I am with my father. We came from Belgrade early in the morning. My niece's wedding party was amazing. I really had a good time there.

I was dancing all night, my heart was happy and I shared my happiness with my relatives and friends.

My niece and my sister looked happy and  beautiful, music was good, the food was tasty. The party was full success. 210 people in total.

My father, sister and I was also sad a bit because my mother is not with us any more. She was looking forward my niece's wedding. Last week, I went twice to visit my mother's grave and I cried a lot.

And that is life. One moment sadness next happiness... One without other is not worth much.

Friday, September 18, 2015


My dear friends, today starts my vacation. I'm traveling back home to visit my family and friends. Once I settle I'll try to practice yoga at my home but that is not priority. When I return back on October 4th starts one month intensive yoga challenge. 

I will work today until 1 PM. I must work because I need money. This trip costs me a lot and I'll be in debt again. I'm not so good with money management, I ended up paying much more then what I've calculated. This month I paid tuition fee for my daughter and I cover her visa expenses. It is a lot of money and that's the reason I'll be in debt until the end of November. 

Last night, I prepared dinner for my daughter and we had nice time. When she left, around 8 PM, the Angel was on the door. She slept over at my place and she will take me to the airport today afternoon. I'm very close with the Angel these days, I'm glad to have her as a girlfriend. 

On these pictures is my father and my niece. She is getting married next week. The wedding party is on Saturday 26th and I prepared very nice present for her. She is my favorite and I simply adore her. I'm very excited to be part of the celebration.

This is all for the blogging for a while... Stay well.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Like or not... vacation

Nothing is happening these days. I'm going to bed at 9 PM and I sleep until 6:00 AM.. then comes coffee, half-primary yoga practice, work... then home... and days are passing. I'm waiting for a vacation. And it starts tomorrow. I'll travel to my home country alone, the Angel has returned the ticket. Good. Everything is good.

Recently, I've been leading my life very consciously, practicing detachment and having in mind the impermanence of everything. It is a big shit, I mean, detachment and impermanence. Doesn't that mean that I am not being a loving or caring person? I mean really, no attachment — it just seems plain cold. 

What about the life we all live? Listen to parents. Go to school. Get a job. Toil through eight or nine hour days. Get married. Make kids. Get divorced. Go home to an empty house and eat leftovers while watching re-runs. Go to work. Go home. That's it... 

People are working hard but getting nowhere. They are always in the past or future, they don't notice present moment. Anyway, life should not be taken too seriously. We will never get out of life alive. Nevertheless, I think I've finally discovered the secret of life - You just hang around until you get used to it. :-) 

Oh never mind, you'll not get it anyway, the God, Love, Happiness, Universe, Oneness and Soul are just figments of your rich imagination. Hahaha  I am laughing... All what can you do is to hope for some better future because you are a master of self-deception. You fool yourself into believing things that are false - and - you refuse to believe things that are true. In fact, you lie to yourself about everything...

I know this things because I am the same. I do, feel and think the same things as you. We may be different culture but we are all living our lives like mindless sheep. Like or not...

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Facebook dislike button

Third practice done this morning. I feel slight pain on my left shoulder. The pain appeared two days ago I probably strained the shoulder muscle during the sleep. I have a bad habit to sleep with my had rested on left arm. Sometimes, if I don't move during the night, my arm hurts in the morning.

In two days I am going back home to visit my father, sister, my family and friends. I'll be on vacation for two weeks. I have two parties to attend, on Sunday, September 20th my godchild will be 18 years old and there'll be a large party in a Belgrade's restaurant. On Saturday, September 26th, I will be on my niece's wedding. I am so excited.

I'm not watching TV or listen the News but I do read the net... What makes headlines this morning is that Toronto will not bid to host the 2024 Summer Olympic... The Facebook introduces "dislike" button... Microsoft is downloading large Windows 10 installation files to Windows 7 and 8.1 computers even if users didn't indicate they're interested in upgrade... 

I don't comment the news and I have no opinion on current affairs in the world. I've never voted to any elections and I have no intention to vote. I don't support political agendas, neither parties nor politicians. I stand firm in my understanding that all what we see is not true. It all goes by itself even if we think that we're doing something. 

Helping others to reach their potential is not my life’s agenda. Neither is it “to make the world a better place”. Nor is it to “save whales and other species”. Nor I do "walk for cancer or AIDS". Sorry. I know, I might be upsetting you right now, but oh well, soon you can press the dislike button... and you'll be satisfied.

The satisfaction is all that you search for. And you can find it everywhere... 

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

I drink wine and beer, I smoke, I eat meat

I'm Never Going to Make a Living as a Yoga Teacher

Recently I've realized my Ashtanga yoga practice goes a lot deeper than I first thought. I've been practicing Ashanga since May 2006 and it's only in the last two year, after my divorce, that I've started to see what it really means to me and the impact it has on my life.

Today, as well as yesterday and probably I'll tomorrow, I woke up at 6 AM. I want to exercise, I want to sweat and move and stretch and breathe... I need the ujayi breathing to help me stay focused and calm during the coming day.

I thought that my connection with Ashtanga is mostly physical. But I have started to see that the physical benefits really helps me to go deeper into the philosophy and meditation aspects of spiritual life.

So now, I find myself in unusual territory, suddenly feeling puzzled. Something has clicked for me and I've begun to realize that yoga is a way of living. Looking back, my realization went unnoticed until divorce. I was in the midst of a separation after twenty two years of marriage, and I was more focused and determined than ever to keep my life calm and peaceful.

Not an easy task day to day. I moved out from the apartment, I left wife and my daughter and I started different life, I was alone. This life-changing situation has made me realize this is how I want to live my life every day. Not in the past, not judging or being cynical, just accepting and moving forward with my eyes wide open. A word to encompass all of this is living consciously or mindfulness.

Ashtanga yoga is very much about being present, on and off the mat. It is difficult practice and i is hard to be on mat everyday. By practicing it, it leads to a more mindful life. My aim is to see my experiences in a more open way; being more aware of each moment, more accepting things as they come and being less judgmental.

I'm still not the spiritual guy. I drink wine and beer, I smoke, I eat meat. I am not a teacher in any way. I'm never going to make living as a yoga teacher. I don't advise to anyone my way of life or chanting, meditation or even yoga practice, but I write here on my blog what I think is important... awakening from our sleep.