Thursday, May 21, 2015

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

What do I truly want? 

Yes, that is the crucial question. Not what someone else thinks, not family, friends or society. 

At this point in my life, I have accumulated experiences and life lessons that I desire to share them with my partner. 

I consider myself a wealthy man since my friends and family are my treasures. My partner has also been there, done that, got the life's scars too. 

Why are some couples happier than others? 

Forget what you watch in the movies or on tv. A happy relationship isn't anything like what you see there, full of romance, candlelight dinners and a trip around the world.

Anyway, What do you really see when you look at the world? 

What do you see when you look at the people you are with? 

You see things that you are attracted to, and things you don’t want anything to do with, isn't that true?

Much of what you see in your relationship, and the world in general, is actually a reflection of your beliefs about yourself.

When you’re with your partner that leaves you feeling annoyed, nervous, troubled, suspicious, edgy, or in any way uncomfortable, where does that come from? 

What you are seeing is just a reflection of a hidden belief you have about yourself, one that you are not very comfortable with. 

If you’re harboring hidden fears and insecurities, someone else's saying and doing just reinforces those, and as a result you’re going to feel uncomfortable around them. And that will be an uncomfortable relationship.

Likewise, when you’re around people who encourage you to feel loved and appreciated, part of what you are feeling is a reflection of your own belief that you deserve to be loved and appreciated. 

The people around you are reinforcing your own belief that you have about yourself. If you believe that you don’t deserve to be loved, then you will be attracted to people who are incapable of loving you. They will also be attracted to you. 

No matter how hard you try, these relationships are not satisfying. They will only reinforce your limiting belief that you don’t deserve to be loved.

You don't want that to be your reality. So, how do you avoid playing into this trap? 

Become consciously aware that it is your beliefs that are creating unpleasant experiences in your relationships and then you have taken the first step toward freedom and great relationship. 

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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Resentment (bitterness)

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

I should not take myself seriously because if I do so, I will be the only one doing so. 

I know, I like importance. I want to be the center of attention, and I react when someone says something that hurts me.

Whenever anyone hurts me, intentionally or otherwise, I simply shut my emotions by storing them inside me - deal with this later. However, later never comes. What comes is resentment toward the people... and anger. 

Resentment comprises three emotions - disgust, sadness and surprise - and that in combination with the anger gives the perception of injustice.

The resentment is the main thing why I broke up with every woman I met after my divorce.

I practice Ashtanga Yoga and I am a spiritual person. 

I live this joke of my life. The fact that I am a yoga practitioner, regular smoker and meditation junkie tells you a lot about my spirituality. 

I don’t get on my mat each morning because I aspire to “know my true self” and become one with universal consciousness and merge with God and other nice things. To be honest, I have no idea what that even means. Sure, I can visualize expansion of my awareness... hmm scratch this, this is just another unknowable concept for me, but do I really, honestly aspire to raise my consciousness? 

No. I don't give a damn for it.

And I’m pretty sure that’s okay because I get on my mat each morning so that I can understand the simplest thing of my life... my resentment. 

After divorce I began to reflect; to try to understand how my behavior, reactions, and choices were affecting my life. At first, I felt weak for not being able to change my existing behavior patterns and simply create new actions.

I still do yoga. I am not yet there.  

I want more for myself than a life limited by my own self-imposed imagination. It takes a lot of honest and thoughtful self inquiry to begin to realize, understand the bitterness.
The moment you start to resent a person, you become his slave. He controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs you of your peace of mind and goodwill, and takes away the pleasure of your work. He ruins your religion and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without his going along. He destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent. He is with you when you are awake. He invades your privacy when you sleep. He is close beside you when you drive your car and when you are on the job. You can never have efficiency or happiness. He influences even the tone of your voice. He requires you to take medicine for indigestion, headaches, and loss of energy. He even steals your last moment of consciousness before you go to sleep. So, if you want to be a slave, harbor your resentments!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Spring Cleaning of My Life

I've been doing a bit of thinking these days. I want to clear my mind about various things. It’s something more akin to age 50, actually, like early spring cleaning in my apartment, or something.

I feel pulled from the various sources and my life seems to flow by its own. To remove myself is a good thing but doesn’t realy serve me very well. I need to see where I am in order to start over, again, fresh.

It is spring time and this is no accident.

The universe is reminding me that in order to move forward, I must first see where I am and let go, and not to fall, but instead to climb and to strive for something .. something undefinable, something out of this life... infinity.

I’ve been here many times before, and I didn’t listen. I’ve stood on the verge of change and looked down at my life and I refused to accept possibilities. 

Choosing to stay in a place I don’t like simply because I'm lazy and don’t trust my inner guidance, remaining stubbornly atop of bullshit pile of relationships, possessions, statuses, accomplishments and all kind of wrong valued perceptions forces me to wake up, to listen, to understand and let go. The change has began, and with it, it'll came the healing of my heart. 

Recently, my life become disorganized mess. I didn't clear my past, and my present become wishful thinking rather than easy flow of events. I look around, see what’s in front of me, examine my habits, and I ask myself— what is wrong with me?

I’ll bet you won’t be surprised by the answers, not really. I sure wasn’t. I am finally ready to hit the giant life restart button. 

99% of that old stuff I will release, it simply does not serves me anymore, and I mean it. I am going to write my daily activities in a book so I can see where my time goes. 

I express my gratitude to the universe, thanking it for all it has provided thus far. I don't need to do anything in return except to enjoy what I have. So I sit in it. Thinking. Envision my life as I want it to be. I see it, touch it, taste it, smell it, feel it. I create new events for my future...

I declare who and what I want to manifest. I announce it. I write it down. I own it. I take positive action right now. And now, I wait and watch while continuing to move forward in intention. What I want is coming. I am ready. Hands and heart open, always.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Love Them Anyway

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. 
Love them anyway.
- Anonymous

Happy Victoria Day!!!
may you win the fight for happiness :-)

If you are happy right now you have to stop that foolishness and ask yourself the reason why are you happy. 

How come that nothing bothers you right now? 

You are reading this words, sitting in your chair, maybe you are hungry (are you?) or maybe it is cold or too warm, whatever works... Is your rent coming soon? Where did you park your car? Is your kid came home last night? Why did you say those words to your friend? 

Look around you, find a reason for the misery: your clothes, your house, your job...

Think whatever you want, but think and worry... you are not a zombie.  

Happy Victoria Day! Happy Monday! 

Are you really happy? Chances are that you are missing something, that you need something to be happy. And you are right on. 

Go to your favorite store and buy, buy what you missing, buy that necklace that you really like. It is on sale now, it is a good deal. You may be happy. 

Buy a bigger TV or a new phone. Get something, anything, buy a new car, go online and buy a trip to Mexico, or a trip to Montreal, get new perfume... You need it. You must have it, you want it... to want it is to be alive, to have it is to be happy. It will give you a thrill... go, buy it, now it is 30% off the regular price. 

Dear reader, you tend to forget that happiness comes as a result of getting something you need and it is so important to see and recognize what you need. Take a look around you, there is a sudden renewed appreciation for what is already right in front of you... see what you need. Fast.

Don't be afraid. What is fear really? Fear is always about something in the present moment. Fear is your boredom about the things you already have.

Never be bored! Ever been sitting around one day wondering what to do? Do you feel like you’re wasting time? There are all kinds of activities you may not have considered.

You do care about what other people say or think about you. Aren't you? 

Always know that it is so important what others think about you or want from you. Never be your old boring self; live your life by the expectations of others. Living to other’s expectations will leave you feeling accomplished, and will only increase your energy as people will always want more from you.

People will like you, they'll really like you! Like-ability can make you a better person. And you like being more likable. 

Out with the old, in with the new, may you win the fight for happiness. 

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Surya Namaskar

Heraclitus said that the only thing that is constant is change. Let me rephrase him - everything changes, the life goes on. 

I woke up this morning around 10 am with intention to change my life. I went to gym, did 30 minutes, 3 series of bench press and other exercises. I concentrated on my tiny calves, I want to make them bigger. Returned back from gym, had a breakfast and then shower.

Now is 1:30 pm, my washer machine is working I am washing "black" clothes and when that finishes I will go for groceries. I need to wash "white" stuff shirts and towels as well. I'll do that this afternoon.

I'm going to visit my friend and take some more movies to watch tonight and tomorrow. These days I don't read much, if I read anything at all. Today is the new moon so there is no yoga practice which is a good thing due to my back pain. Let me rest a bit, tomorrow will be the next practice.

My yoga practice starts with Surya Namaskar, sun salutations. 3 A and 3 B. If you’ve been practicing yoga, you’re probably familiar with sun salutations A or B. The sun salutation is a sequence of poses — each with a different meaning — designed to be done in the direction of the sun, everyday at dawn. 

I’ve been starting my day with Surya Namaskar A — in my opinion it's the easier one — for more than five years, and it has been helping me greatly to overcome my monkey mind, anxiety and all kind of depressions. It’s a great way to wake up: Practicing at least three Sun Salutations in the morning is a wonderful way to awaken your body, to stretch, to say good morning to each of your muscles. 

The sequence in Surya Namaskar B is perfection. It’s designed to center you in your heart, to focus your mind, to energize and to give you strength and also inner power. It’s made in such a way that you’ll reap the benefits very quickly, and it’s also very accessible. You can do the adjustments that best suit your body, and practice it everyday.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Don't call me a nice guy

The hairdresser cut my hair a way too short. I look like a military man now. I did not want it this, but who cares. The hair will grow up soon.

I don't like to be called a nice guy. I'm attractive, even with the short hair, kind, nice and giving, but there’s something that I just can’t accept, something that makes me want to vomit, it is in the moment when I am called a nice guy.

If I prefer, I do prefer being called an asshole. I feel more freedom not being a nice guy. 
While most of women do want a nice, kind and loving man, they only want him to a point. Simply, when a man is too nice, too kind or too giving, women sense bullshit. No one is nice all of the time except for Bullshiters.

If a man falls into category of Bullshitters, at first, in relationship, he might seem wonderful, but below the surface, on some level, he’s a pure liar — first because he’s lying to himself and second he is lying to others.

Don't get me wrong, women don’t want assholes, but they don't want a bullshiter too, the one who is too willing to compromise and never pushes back. You know him very well, the One who bends over backwards for his woman while stepping on his own self-respect. The woman tells him - Oh you are so nice guy, but that's just makes no sense.

Relationship with the Nice - Bullshiter guy is boring. Dating is stagnant. It’s like dating yourself. There’s nothing to fight against. Being in a relationship with Mr. Nice Guy is like dancing alone with no lead.
  • Want to come to me tonight? Sure.
  • Oh scratch that, would you come tomorrow? Sure.
  • Oh my plans fell through tonight, are you available? Sure.
  • Would it be okay if I canceled our plans to meet the girls tonight? Sure.
A nice guy is a man who is constantly agreeable, there’s nothing to add flavor to partner's world and the partner might as well be solo. It is a simple bullshiter because he don’t express his moods or his opinions because he's so focused outside himself, desperately seeking approval.

The adoration and romance in the first phase of relationship, soon becomes tedious and heavy until woman becomes tired of a nice guy and break up the bullshiting. So don't call me a nice guy, because I am not the one.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Am I happy?

I can't stand it anymore; I must have a haircut. ;-) And look at my selfies here on this blog. Every single selfie is the same... So no more pictures.

It is Thursday, May 14, 2015, I feel great. Last night I went to full primary ashtanga yoga class, I sweat, I bend my fat stomach and stretched my tiny legs. Today a home practice. 

I feel wonderful because the long weekend is coming here in Canada, next Monday is off. Great opportunity to finally start gym exercises. 

People often ask me if I am happy.

This question always confuses me because I don’t really see happiness as something I have a choice in. 

I have a wonderful daughter who loves me deeply. I have a wonderful girlfriend I'm enjoying being with. I am smart, a good friend, and I have many opportunities to show myself to many people throughout the world. I never worry about being hungry or safe. What else is there?

Is my glass half-full or half-empty? How I see my life? Are you thinking the same?

Unfortunately, living this life doesn't prevent me from developing fears and insecurities. Sometimes, I don’t actually feel comfortable in my own skin. I judge my words, my actions, and my thoughts constantly. I do the same with others. I am always trying to figure “something” out. I don’t think I even know what “something” is really.

Am I happy? is a stupid, empty question. If I'm unsure if I'm happy I have to tell you, I'm not. Happiness, to me, is not a state. Sometimes I’m down. Sometimes I’m up. Happiness is my relationship to myself. 

I have days when I’m depressed. But I know my feelings are changeable things, so I can embrace them and let them be what they are. I have grown and learned about myself.

This life is far too short to wait for some moment to be happy.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Why are we here?

Life... It’s one of the great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don’t know. 

Why do we even exist at all. And if you believe God created us, why does He exist?

I think it’s wonderful when people find God. What I don’t think is wonderful is when people assume they have found the reason for living and they have all kind of excuses for their own daily shit.

I am not there yet. I have no idea what my purpose in the Life is. How do I discover my real purpose in life? I’m not talking about my job, my daily responsibilities, or even my  long-term goals. I mean the real reason why I'm here at all — the very reason I exist.

Perhaps I'm a rather nihilistic person who doesn’t believe I have a purpose and that life has no meaning. Doesn’t matter. Not believing that I have a purpose won’t prevent me from discovering it, just as a lack of belief in gravity won’t prevent me from slipping on the ground. 

Many books I’ve read seem to assume that I'm either genetically or divinely encoded with some sort of built-in purpose, and all I need to do is take the time to discover it through introspection. I just sit down one day and write a mission statement and trust that what comes out of me will be the guiding force for the rest of my life. Perhaps every year I update it.

Personally I think that’s bullshit. I see no evidence that there’s any pre-encoded purpose in any of us. I think in most cases I’ll just end up with a wishful mission statement that doesn't mean much.

This morning I can feel so vividly my emptiness, the yearning, the confusion, the lacking of something. These feelings all merged together, and they always seemed to present themselves at the worst possible times. It is cold outside, clouds covered the sky, I am lazy and I'm postponing my yoga practice.

It is these simple things, like getting out of bed in the morning, my yoga practice, my inner sense of peace that are disturbed and I feel so heavy. The gray day, the best joys in life, like being with myself or creating new connections, feel unsatisfying. Things are heavy and hard...

I will post this and do the yoga practice... I don’t understand what creates these depressed feelings, or what I needed to do to change them. It sounds boring to say that one day something will happened that will change my life and I'll understand everything, I will understand my purpose... oh well, until then I decided to focus on doing one thing at a time.

Happy Wednesday.