Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Goodbye little "me"


All that is said by any of us can only be imitation and representation.
-Critias by Plato
I have closely observed you for the last ten years and I've seen what you really are. 

You are a little "me".

You plead for happiness in life, but security means more to you, even if it cost you to wreck my whole life. Since you have never learned to seize upon happiness, to enjoy it and safeguard it, you lack the courage and integrity.

Let me tell you, my little "me", what kind of man you are? 

You listen to commercials on the radio, advertisements for laxatives, toothpaste, detergents, deodorants, and so on. But you are unaware of your abysmal stupidity and your bad taste. 

Listen, little "me". 

Every single "I" of your composition throws a light on the wretchedness of my life. Every one of your petty "I"s diminishes the hope of realizing true value of life. That is ground for sorrow, little "me", for deep, heartbreaking sorrow. To avert such sorrow you make silly little jokes. That's what you call your sense of humor. 

Have you ever listened closely to a nightclub entertainer's jokes about you? About you, about himself, and the whole wretched world you have created. 

You hear a joke about yourself and you join in the laughter. You don't laugh because you appreciate humor at your own expense. You laugh at the joke without suspecting that you are laughing at yourself, that the joke is on you. And all the millions of people fail to realize that the joke is on them. 

Have you ever noticed how ridiculous the people are made to look in the movies? Why have you been laughed at so heartily, so openly, so maliciously, down through the centuries? 

I will tell you why you are laughed at, little "me", because I take you seriously, very seriously. 

Invariably you miss the truth in your thinking. You remind me of the monkey in the cage. You could have become the master of your existence long ago if your thinking aimed at the truth. 

Do you see, little "me" that your destiny is not into your own hands? 

You think more about your neighbor than about who you really are. Forget about your neighbor, little "me" and look inside yourself! Your neighbor, too, will be grateful. Tell to yourself that you're no longer willing to work for death but only for life.  

You're nothing, little "me"! Nothing whatever! Unfortunately, You have built this civilization,  without knowledge of what you're building. You have built a prison little "me". 

You're not free, little "me", and you haven't the faintest idea what freedom is. You wouldn't know how to live in freedom. 

In view of all this, I'm bidding you goodbye, little "me". 

I will serve you no more, I refuse to let my concern for you torture me slowly to death. You can't follow me to the distant places I'm bound for. 

You'd be scared to death if you so much as suspected what the future has in store for you - because undoubtedly you're in the process of inheriting the earth, little "me"! I am sorry for the earth.

I'll stop hiding behind your stories little "me". No matter who I am, there are times when I get a hint that I am not just you, a little "me". Even if it is only in a dream, there is a part of me which knows infinity. I trust that part of myself! I am not "just" a little "me"! 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

600th Post


THIS POST is my 600th post, which is a cool thing. THANK YOU for reading exploring dreamstate. And special THANKS to Tony from France, Tasha from Toronto and other Anonymous friends all over the world...

In this post I will neither write about spirituality nor make a list of "wonderful" posts but I'll give you a glimpse of my private life. At present I'm waiting for the divorce papers to arrive. I'm checking my mail box every day. I know it is "just" a paper but I would like to have it. 

Toronto is under extreme cold today, it is -20 C with the wind. Regardless of cold weather I follow my schedule. I did 3 yoga practices last week and for this week I have planned to do 5 practices. At present I have 88 kg and my plan is to have around 84 kg. It appears that I'm losing the belly war. :-) Seriously, I must watch what I eat and I have to practice harder.

What am I to learn in this life? Nothing!!! 

Well, maybe just to learn to live without self-concerns. So I'm trying to abandon all self-concerns. I've stopped worrying about my welfare, material and spiritual. I've stopped thinking of achievement of any kind. I'm complete here and now and I need very little for my daily life.

From Monday to Friday I lead well ordered life. I get up at 5:30 AM, drink coffee, check my emails, FB, and I post a new article on this blog. 

In the morning I don't turn on radio or TV. I admire the morning silence. I do meditation and then yoga practice. I go to work and I'm at my desk by 9:15 AM. I work until 5 PM. Come home, have a grapefruit, orange or banana and go to gym. After gym I eat dinner... soup and a sandwich. 

I then go to the computer, read online news and articles about spirituality and awakening and then I write a blog post for the next day... until around 7:30 pm. I then go to read book and prepare myself for sleep. I am in deep sleep around 9 PM.

The last weekend was wonderful, something what I call a perfect weekend. 

From the beginning of January I am back with the Angel and we're having amazing time together. I didn't write about her on my blog, there was no reason. But I want to say that she gave me a great support when my mom passed away... 

She came on Friday night and we went to pizzeria and after dinner we watched the breaking of enigma movie at the local theater. 

On Saturday we were outside the whole day, we got up around 10 AM, eat breakfast at the local store, visited the bank and then we took my daughter to the walk-in clinic, she had a very bad caught... After the clinic all three of us went to Costco where I bought the food for the next week. 

After groceries shopping we went to the church to light the candle for my mom. Unfortunately the church was closed for visitors. After that my daughter went home and the Angel and I met my friend from the work. We ended up in the bar and we had couple glasses of beer. We had a nice simple dinner, salads and chicken wings... We came home around 8 PM. She slept over and she went home around 2 PM on Sunday. 

After the Angel left, I cleaned apartment, washed two machines of clothes, polished my shoes and prepared the post from Echard Tolle - What is Awakening? I went to bed around 8:30 PM and I read Ranjit Maharaj's Illusion vs Reality. I turned off the lights around 9:30 PM.

Monday, January 26, 2015

What Is Awakening?




Since ancient times the term awakening has been used as a kind of metaphor that points to the transformation of human consciousness. There are parables in the New Testament that speak of the importance of being awake, of not falling back to sleep. The word Buddha comes from the Sanskrit word Budh, meaning, “to be awake.” So Buddha is not a name and ultimately not a person, but a state of consciousness. 

All this implies that humans are potentially capable of living in a state of consciousness compared to which normal wakefulness is like sleeping or dreaming. This is why some spiritual teachings use terms like “shared hallucination” or “universal hypnotism” to describe normal human existence. 

Pick up any history book, and I suggest you begin with studying the 20th century, and you will find that a large part of the history of our species has all the characteristics we would normally associate with a nightmare or an insane hallucination.

The nature of spiritual awakening is frequently misunderstood. 

The adoption of spiritual beliefs, seeing visions of God or celestial beings, the ability to channel, to heal, to foretell the future, or other paranormal powers – all such phenomena are of value and are not to be dismissed, but none of them is in itself indicative of spiritual awakening in a person who experiences them. They may occur in a person who has not awakened spiritually and they may or may not accompany the awakened state.

Every morning we awaken from sleep and from our dreams and enter the state we call wakefulness. A continuous stream of thoughts, most of them repetitive, characterizes the normal wakeful state. So what is it that we awaken from when spiritual awakening occurs? 

We awaken from identification with our thoughts. 

Everybody who is not awake spiritually is totally identified with and run by their thinking mind – the incessant voice in the head. Thinking is compulsive: you can’t stop, or so it seems. It is also addictive: you don’t even want to stop, at least not until the suffering generated by the continuous mental noise becomes unbearable. In the unawakened state you don’t use thought, but thought uses you. 

You are, one could almost say, possessed by thought, which is the collective conditioning of the human mind that goes back many thousands of years. You don’t see anything as it is, but distorted and reduced by mental labels, concepts, judgments, opinions and reactive patterns. 

Your sense of identity, of self, is reduced to a story you keep telling yourself in your head. “Me and my story”: this what your life is reduced to in the unawakened state. And when your life is thus reduced, you can never be happy for long, because you are not yourself.

Does that mean you don’t think anymore when you awaken spiritually? No, of course not. In fact, you can use thought much more effectively than before, but you realize there is a depth to your Being, a vibrantly alive stillness that is much vaster than thought. It is consciousness itself, of which the thinking mind is only a tiny aspect. 

For many people, the first indication of a spiritual awakening is that they suddenly become aware of their thoughts. They become a witness to their thoughts, so to speak. They are not completely identified with their mind anymore and so they begin to sense that there is a depth to them that they had never known before.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

What is spirituality?


I 'm going to write about the spirituality with the help of Mr Gurdjieff and Mr Ouspensky, but I must warn you that the spirituality about which I write is different from anything you may know under this name.

To begin with I must say that practically never in history has spirituality stood at so low a level as at the present time. It has lost all touch with its origin and its meaning so that now it is even difficult to define the term spirituality: that is, to say what spirituality is and what it studies. And this is so in spite of the fact that never in history have there been so many spiritual movements, theories and so many spiritual writings.

Spirituality is sometimes called a new age science. This is quite wrong. Spirituality is, perhaps, the oldest science, and, unfortunately, in its most essential features a forgotten science. The spirituality, except in modern times has never existed under its own name. For one reason or another spirituality always was suspected of wrong or subversive tendencies, either religious or political or moral and had to use different disguises...

What is spirituality? — should be that spirituality is the study of the principles, laws and facts of man's evolution - the evolution of human consciousness.

So what does evolution of man mean?

Man as we know him is not a completed being; nature develops him only up to a certain point and then leaves him, either to develop further, by his own efforts and devices, or to live and die such as he was born, or to degenerate and lose capacity for development.

we must understand that all men cannot develop and become different beings. Evolution is the question of personal efforts and in relation to the mass of humanity evolution is the rare exception. It may sound strange but we must realise that it is not only rare, but is becoming more and more rare.

Why cannot all men develop and become different beings? 

The answer is very simple. Because they do not want it. Because they do not know about it and will not understand without suffering what it means, even if they are told. To become a different being man must want it very much and he must see that he is not free. A passing desire or a vague desire based on dissatisfaction with external conditions will not create a sufficient impulse.

And here we come at once to a very important fact. Man does not know himself. He does not know his own limitations and his own possibilities. He does not even know to how great an extent he does not know himself. He has all sorts of wrong ideas about himself. First of all he does not realize that he is actually in a prison.

What does it mean that man is in a prison? 

It means that he has no freedom whatsoever. He is in a prison which is brought into motion by external influences and external impacts. All his actions, words, ideas, emotions, moods and thoughts are produced by external influences. By himself, he is just an automaton with a certain store of memories of previous experiences, and a certain amount of energy.

Man cannot move, think or speak of his own accord. He is a marionette pulled here and there by invisible strings. If he understands this, he can learn more about himself, and possibly then things may begin to change for him. But if he cannot realize and understand his utter mechanicalness or if he does not wish to accept it as a fact, he can learn nothing more, and things cannot change for him.

We must understand now that spirituality really means self-study. This is the real definition of spirituality.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Bullshit Mr Anderson!


The seeker is he who is in search of himself...

To know what you are, you must first investigate and know what you are not. Discover all
that you are not - body, feelings thoughts, time, space, this or that - nothing, concrete or
abstract, which you perceive can be you. The very act of perceiving shows that you are
not what you perceive.

The clearer you understand on the level of mind you can be described in negative terms
only, the quicker will you come to the end of your search and realize that you are the
limitless being.

- Nisargadatta Maharaj


The world you experience is no more "out there" than are your dreams. 

This might come as a surprise to you, but it is more likely that you simply refuse to see it. And you don't see it because everything what you think is wrong. 

All things around you, what you take for granted, your day-to-day existence is largely a product of your imagination. Your memory, opinions and beliefs, how you see yourself and others and even your sense of being free, are not as they seem. Delusions Mr Anderson!

The power these delusions hold over you is staggering, yet, they are necessary to help you function in the world. The world is supported by your "sleep" and the Nature does not want you to "wake up". 

Ah, you think “wake up” are two superfluous words, since obviously you're reading this, you're “not asleep.” 

And that is, in fact, how dictionaries define “awake.” But my usage is far more subtle, being rooted in real self-observation. In brief moment of being "awake" you can recognize your “sleep,” i.e. you can see yourself and others as we really are... you can see our daily sleepwalking functioning.

Gurdjieff summarized this - Mankind is asleep but doesn't know it. So deep is his hypnotic slumber that he does his daily walking and talking, his legislating and marrying in a state of unconsciousness. Actually, the acts are the mechanical acts of hypnotized people...

Each of you undertake the journey to enlightenment in a way uniquely suited to you and only you. You're equipped with unique gifts, talents, life mission and purposes. Your draw unique experiences into your life in order to learn something. You gain specific knowledge and extract your understanding of life. Is this is what you think? Well, uniqueness, mission, purpose, experience and understanding... Well, if we're talking about awakening, all that is simple bullshit! 

You want to develop spiritually or grow closer to God, or go to Heaven, or raise your consciousness, or get enlightenment, obtain liberation - in short, you are moving, progressing. You are heading toward one point and away from another.

But do you ever realize that the essence of your "sleep" is to consider yourself to be a process, to have past and future, to have history, to keep progressing somewhere...

You like the New Age spirituality... I mean this: growing, moving, progressing, evolving. Heart, Love, Peace, Bliss. Be nice and say you are sorry when you done wrong and your loving God won't cook your ass. You hope for transcendental bliss, cosmic consciousness, kundalini awakening, supreme love... Bullshit Mr Anderson!

To destroy the false, you must question your beliefs. Of these the idea that you are the body with the consciousness is the worst. With the body comes the world, with the world - God, who is supposed to have created the world and thus it starts - fears, religions, bondage, spirituality, practice, sacrifices, all sorts of systems - all to protect and support "you", frightened out of your wits by monsters of your own making.

I am not here to make things right for you. What I know for sure? Nothing. No man, teaching, religion, system of thought, doctrine, ideology is correct. The spiritual knowledge is the greatest ignorance. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Keep on walking


One thing alone is certain, that man's slavery grows and increases. Man is becoming a willing slave. He no longer needs chains. He begins to grow fond of his slavery, to be proud of it. And this is the most terrible thing that can happen to a man...

There is no compulsory, mechanical evolution. Evolution is the result of conscious struggle. The evolution of man is the evolution of his consciousness, and 'consciousness' cannot evolve unconsciously.

- Gurdjieff

5:45 AM, I am sitting at my desk writing the blog post. Yesterday's post was the teaching and today's is about my personal life. 

Today, I 'm resuming my yoga practice. Daily practice is the goal of this year. I made a seven days pause due to my mother's illness and death. I did not have required concentration and motivation for the practice. Yesterday was the moon day and today I'm starting all over again. 

Though sometimes, I may feel empty, purposeless, lost in this dreamstate, it’s likely that I still have a great deal to do and experience.

Grieving the death of a loved one is an individual process. I initially felt numb and disoriented, I did not listen music on the radio and youtube. I was quiet and I was experiencing sudden outbursts of tears triggered by memories of my mother. Now, this void in my heart I fill with memories of life and love, not loss. I turned on the music and I sing and dance in my apartment remembering my mother. The pit in my stomach aches less. Life goes on. 

My experiences in this long dream most certainly influence me. I don't, however indulge in experiences too much or make them a big deal. As previous post said "I" is nothing but a rumor. I chose to draw from it understanding of what life is all about and to use it as a guidance of the journey I began a five decades ago. 

What is my life philosophy?

On the highest level of my understanding, all this around me, the world and "me" - including my sense of "I", is illusion, it simply does not exist. The very sense of existence (I AM sense), the feeling of being, the feeling of being present... is a lie. I am One who feels the presence. I can not know It because I am It. On that level, we are all That, we are all One.

My spiritual journey started almost five decades ago. During this time, my understanding of Life, the World and myself changes all the time. And I strongly believe that is the reason I am here; that is the reason for my existence. I am here to ENJOY LIFE, gain experiences and understand that nothing has value. I am here to find out Who am I. 

The happiness is my own inner peace that happens when I forget myself and the world. The spiritual journey is a long, sometimes difficult but certainly a funny path. All these years I did nothing but searched for myself. 

I am not finished yet... I still play the game of hide and seek. I may never reach my destination. Yet in my feelings... in my feelings sometimes I'm there. Sometimes this inner happiness, the gratitude and the love for everyone are telling me, I am near the end of my journey... 

Sometimes, I think I am there. But, I stop, look around and I see that my understanding is not correct, this feeling is still an experience, the "I" is still there... so I keep on walking.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

"I" is nothing but a rumor


Man, you've got it all wrong,
there's no creator or creation here,
no gross and fine, no wind or fire,
no sun, moon, earth or water,
no word, no flesh, no faith,
no cause and effect, 
not any thought of knowledge. 
No God or devil.
No mother, father or son here.
If you understand now, you are master,
I am your follower.


Why to worry, everything is nothing. How can nothing touch you?

When you forget the world, the objects around you, when your stop worrying about your relationships with others, when you feel just the presence of "I AM", you feel bliss and love. Then you forget everything, your concepts and the world. This is meditation, the bliss arouses and covers mind, it is a higher state of consciousness but it is still of the mind.

The complete forgetfulness of the illusion means that nothing is, nothing exists. The world is still there in front of you but for you it has no reality. That is what is called awakening, realization or self-knowledge. It is realization that the world is only illusion.

Be strong and have fear of nothing and no one, for everything is nothing.

Real happiness is inside you, and it can not be find outside yourself. In deep sleep you are happy. You forget the world. Therefore, happiness lies in the forgetting of the world. Leave the world as it is but understand that it is not. 

Do whatever you want to do but be detached by understanding because whatever you perceive, and achieve is illusion. It does not exists except in your imagination, and your mind must accept that.

Your personality, your identity, is nothing but a rumor.

In the beginning you need courage. Courage is capability to accept that all is illusion. Nothing can touch you. Your mind must come to this understanding. Don't ask if you can achieve awakening, because you are always awaken. First of all, go out of the mind circle. The body and the mind are illusion. You should be happy to know that. Get rid of your identification with your thoughts.

Stay in the world and play with it but know it is not true. Everything depends on your capability to accept this fact. Understand the "I" is an illusion and what "I" thinks is also illusion. Whatever happens in the world, it is only imagination, and in fact nothing ever happens, it is only a long dream. You must accept that. Your mind should not be touched by passing appearances.


Monday, January 19, 2015

Nothing Matters



Nothing Matters
written by Jim Sloman

At first, when you really get that nothing matters at all it's very depressing. 

It's extremely melancholy to realize that nothing has any intrinsic meaning, that life is essentially meaningless.

It's very disillusioning to get that no matter what one might accomplish, it disappears like smoke in the air; that no matter what service one might attempt to perform, it's like an insignificant grain of sand upon an infinite beach.

Are you feeding the poor? Are you Shakespeare? Doesn't matter. It's all insignificant in the end. If not today, then tomorrow. If not in a thousand years, then in a million billion. The whirling clusters of galaxies don't even notice.

Not only that, but the fact that everything is insignificant and nothing has any intrinsic meaning doesn't mean anything either.

All the meaning is supplied by us human beings. 

We supply the value judgments—this is good, that's bad, this should happen, that shouldn't happen. Existence has no value judgments about itself; it has no meaning, it doesn't need or want any, to speak metaphorically. All the "good," "bad," "right," "wrong," etc. is supplied by us humans.

Existence not only doesn't care about any of that, it's not even aware of it. Whatever you or I might ever do to make a difference in the world or our little corner of it is like a drop in an infinite sea—meaningless, empty. In fact, all is emptiness, completely empty—like empty characters in a video game, or like a robot in a machine factory pondering what its meaning is.

When I really got all this I walked around in a complete daze. Because life had no intrinsic meaning, because nothing really mattered at all, everything seemed forlorn, empty, drained, bleached. Everywhere I looked, everyone I looked upon, including myself—there was just emptiness, nothing, meaninglessness.

If nothing mattered, then my life and efforts didn't matter, and neither did anything else. Perhaps the best word for it was "bleak."

And then something happened. 

After I had dwelled miserably in this state for awhile, feeling this bitter reality of emptiness like a freezing wind upon my face, the whole thing suddenly "flipped" one day.

The very thing, the all-pervading emptiness and lack of meaning and insignificance that had depressed me so much suddenly became a source of great joy. So much so that I burst out laughing—I couldn't stop—and then began crying tears of joy.

Lest I be declared a candidate for the looney bin (which probably wouldn't be a bad idea), let me try to explain. It's something like this: The fact that nothing matters is actually a source of great liberation. It's very freeing to realize that nothing matters at all, because that whole weight of trying to make life "make sense" or "go the right way" or "look like this" drops away.

In its place is just reality, exactly as it is, with no meaning at all in the usual sense and yet incredibly pristine, beautiful, shimmering in its "emptiness," forever shining like the lovely moon upon the sea.

When everything becomes completely empty, paradoxically, it also becomes extremely full. 

In effect, the "emptiness of emptiness" becomes the doorway to the "fullness of emptiness."

The brujo Don Juan understood this very well. He said that you realize that everything is empty and meaningless and yet you act as if it had meaning. In his words, even though you're perfectly aware of the emptiness of all things, of all phenomena, you "act as an impeccable warrior" just the same.

And of course he didn't mean "war" in the usual sense. We usually think of fighting something or kicking ass as being a great warrior. But simply carrying a project through to completion is being a much more mature kind of warrior. Just accomplishing any task at all is being a true warrior.

So we do our service work or we drive our beer truck or we turn out papers at the office or we do whatever we do, but without the stress and strain of trying to make everything make sense or somehow acquire the correct "meaning." This most assuredly includes "our own" life.

Not that stress and strain disappear from life. 

As far as I can tell, stress and strain are an inevitable part of life, just as relaxation and peace are also a part of it. But beneath the stress and strain, when it appears, is a light heart, dancing with that stress and strain, knowing that it's an indissoluble part of this precious existence.

Paradoxically, when we see clearly the emptiness and meaninglessness and insignificance of everything, including our own life, after passing through the "emptiness of emptiness" there comes a light heart, which contains both a smile and a tear.

The smile comes precisely from the seeing that nothing matters. Isn't that strange? If nothing matters, we're free not to take it all so seriously. It's not serious at all, none of it. Not one bit.

Yet at the same time there's a tear, a tear of compassion for this precious world and its suffering. The pain that we sometimes feel in life is not illusory; it hurts. And the laws of physics and biochemistry, etc. are not suspended just because we realize something.

If we jump off a building we're still going to go splat, no matter what we may or may not have realized. 

If we stub our toe, it's still going to hurt. If we eat a lot of fat, we're still likely to develop heart disease or cancer. The laws of life are not repealed.

So nothing changes at all. And yet everything changes, because we see that the very preciousness of life arises from its essential emptiness. The grateful heart arises precisely from the recognition of life's ephemeral, fleeting, meaningless quality.

That very meaninglessness, stripped of all fantasies and dreams, becomes the hidden meaning itself. That very fleetingness of all things becomes the very thing that makes them precious.

That literally "nothing matters" becomes the very thing that transforms into thankfulness, bubbling up in surrendered gratitude for this precious life and all its appearances, like a compassionate, mysterious and effervescent spring bubbling up from the meaningless nowhere of nothing.


Sunday, January 18, 2015

It is not WHAT but HOW


In the beginning, God created the Earth, and He looked upon it in His cosmic loneliness... And then God created every living creature out of dust, and one was man.  
"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked.
"Everything must have a purpose?" 
"Certainly," said man.
"Then I leave it to you to think about it." 


Naturally, the question of meaning of life has surfaced on my mind. 

People take that the meaning of life involves some kind of joke, if you asked them, they respond with nervous laugh and an attempt to change the subject. To some, this question is threatening, too unnerving to dare to say anything sincere or serious and so laughter seems the only safe response.

We simply do not know what is the meaning of all this. We don't know why we are here and what is our purpose. There are various theories but all of them are just hearsay.

This living continuity, this sense of "me", fortunately has an expiration day. This process of identifications, more or less conscious, with its various relationships, struggles, quarrels, incidents, experiences and so on... can not tolerate itself forever.

Look behind you! Remember that you are but a man! Remember that you'll die.

We will all die. This imaginary "me" will be gone one day. We are so insignificant so we can allow ourself to enjoy our play. Our main purpose here on planet Earth is to ENJOY LIFE. We have no other meaning, no other task to perform. We should not  worry about the future, we have to be completely relaxed because we know that everything will be okay... we will die.

It is not WHAT we do or say it is HOW we do it and say it! So lets play. 

Friday, January 16, 2015

My Mother Died Today


I sat by my mother’s bedside as she lay dying of liver cancer. It was a late day in the end of November. The rain was knocking into the hospital window. She was restless and agitated, frustrated by being confined to the bed. I asked her if she wanted to get up and she nodded but she was incapable to do so even with my help.

We sat in silence, side by side, for a few moments and then I began to ask her questions, just to fill the silence. “Are you hungry?” No answer. “Are you cold?" No answer. “What are you thinking about?”, she answered me - "Nothing. I don't think about anything." Quietness. 

In a day or two, she got a little better and she left the hospital but in early January she returned to the same place. My mom died today.

She went very quickly from diagnosis to death. She greatly suffered before she died. In the last three months she was taking a huge amount of pain-killers... 

The outpouring of grief I'm feeling now, surprise me. She told me not to worry or be sad. But tears come in waves with great intensity, then, stop and I am myself again. I feel I'm somehow different... 

While I sat by my mom, back in November, she taught me the last lecture and it is not about death but about living. While I was looking at her I realized that life is short but beautiful. Everything that matters in life is here and now.
My Mother seems so far away from me,
On that beautiful white shore across the sea.
Yet I remember love's soft glow upon her face,
And the feel of her touch and tender embrace.

Mom, rest in peace.


Thursday, January 15, 2015

Realizing my nothingness

And the end of all our exploring 
will be to arrive where we started

Man is immersed in dreams... He lives in sleep… He is a machine. He cannot stop the flow of his thoughts, he cannot control his imagination, his emotions, his attention... He does not see the real world. The real world is hidden from him by the wall of imagination.
- Gurdjieff


There are only two types of people who are comfortable in solitude: the lazy and the yogi. 

I am still walking and talking in my dreamstate declaring my deep commitment to waking up while doing everything possible not to. :-) Last three days I did not do yoga practice and I didn't visit the gym. It was easier to sit, eat and watch movies...

I might say I want to wake up, but it quickly becomes apparent that I have some weird notion of what to be "awake" means. That might involve anything so long as it does not disturb my sleep. 

According to Gurdjieff - To awaken means to realize one's nothingness, that is to realize one's complete and absolute mechanicalness and one's complete and absolute helplessness. And it is not sufficient to realize it philosophically in words. It is necessary to realize it in clean, simple, and concrete facts, in one's own life.

Obviously, I did not discover my own nothingness yet. I still think I am something. I still believe in this world... but when I turn around I see this wonderful advanced technological civilization. All pretense at decency and morality are still in place. The masks of kindness, love and compassion are here too... This whole ego based, money-driven society is a result of my imagination. Huh, a weird thing. 

I am living my life waiting for things to come... I'm waiting for the dawn, birthday, holiday, train, summer, Friday, payment, vacation, recognition, dinner, enlightenment, love, new year, answer, smile, call, truth, destiny, it seems ... ... I am just dozing through. 

Look at me, blogging every day, telling boring stories that only handful of readers read half-through. They leave the comments here and there, I comment back, so we reaffirm each other's self-image. 

What am I really doing? Nothing

But What I have? Something more important going? Like what? My yoga practice? My plans? Future? Nothing really matters!

I do my practices because I'm bored, I need to do something, time has to pass somehow. If I do meditation and yoga in the morning I feel good, satisfied. I am not ignorant, I did my practice, I am awake. 

I am close to realize my own nothingness. 


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

No deceptions for you

"John, how you've changed! You were so tall and you've grown so short. You were so well built and you've grown so thin. You were so fair and you've become so dark. What happened to you, John?” John says, “I’m not John. I’m George.” “Oh, you changed your name too!"

What type of truth do you wish to read here on my blog? 

Partial truth or whole truth? You expect the whole truth, of course. Congratulations! No deceptions for you. You want the truth plain and unadulterated. However, the price for that is high...

And, you're ready, you've changed. You've definitely progressed toward truth. You were anxious, greedy and selfish for years. And everyone kept telling you to change. You resented them at first, but then you agreed and you wanted it, and now you are different... 

Well my friend, you've lived your entire life under false pretenses. You want people to think you are good. Do you really believe when you say - I don’t like hurting people?

What a bullshit! I don’t believe anyone who says that he or she does not like hurting people. You love to hurt people, especially some people. You love it! 

Or when someone else is doing the hurting you rejoice in it. You don't want to do the hurting yourself because you might get hurt. Ah, there it is. If you do the hurting, others will have a bad opinion of you. They will not like you, they will talk against you and you don't like that.

Do you still think you've changed? 

Well then, you made it! Our society and culture drill into your head day and night... People who made it! Made what?... changed, just like you? You just drained your energy getting something that is worthless. You’re frightened and confused, you're still a puppet like me. 

I don’t have to apologize to you, I don’t have to explain anything to you, I don’t give a damn what you think or what you say about me. You see, I'm an ass, I've not changed... 

It is most liberating, beautiful thing in the world, being an ass. 

It is wonderful. When you tell me, “Zee, you're full of shit.” I answer you, “What can you expect of an ass?”

Normally the way it goes, you press my button and I am up, you press another button and I am down. If I ever let myself feel good when you tell me that I am OK, I am preparing myself to feel bad when you tell me I am not so good. I better watch what I say, what I wear, how my hair looks, whether my shoes are in fashion - in short, whether I live up to every damned expectation of you.

When I saw the truth I was shocked. I protested trying to change but on the end I disarmed myself. I accepted the fact. I let it go. I've been ass all my life. To admit that is confidence! An openness to the truth, no matter what the consequences, no matter where it leads me. Not belief, but truth.