Tuesday, August 4, 2015

The Way Out of a Dead-End Relationship

Things are going nowhere. 
...with the greater and greater speed.

As I sit with my coffee this morning, reflecting upon my life and recent events I'm writing this post, I feel a sense of sadness. I'm not happy in my relationship with the Angel and I'm looking for a way out. I'm feeling the warning signs of a breakup.

People stay in relationships that have passed their expiration date for many reasons, such as a fear of being alone or due to accustomed feelings. Whatever the reason if in my heart I know the connection isn’t strong, then breaking up should be an option. There are things and this constant arguing which shows a poor communication between the Angel and me so, is it time to call it quits? 

I have come to the conclusion that our relationship should be over. I am presently very much unhappy and irritated. This period of dissatisfaction, irritation, anger, frustration, hurt and disappointments increase every day.

A breakup is always a process with a beginning, a middle and an end - I know it when I look back. Statements like "I'm breaking up" or "I don't love you any more" are likely to have risen out of a period of time and not of sudden realization - even if it seems like that.

Can a relationship recover from this kind of unhappiness? 

It’s possible, but not without some conversation about where we’re headed. And the conversation with the Angel is impossible. She wants to feel me like a couple — and may even hope to share her vision for a future with me — but I need time to wrestle with doubts and  issues. I, however, believe that our relationship has no real future and it’s time to free myself to meet someone who shares my vision of a healthy relationship.

Letting go of dead-end relationships is easy. Sometimes it’s the only way to embrace something better down the road. This is a signpost that I am looking for the nearest off-ramp.

Blogger Widgets

Sunday, August 2, 2015

2 disliked, 3 unsubscribed

I am losing readers. This week 2 people disliked my blog from Facebook and 3 regular readers unsubscribed from the blog feed. Well, what can I tell. Readers come and go according to their own time. I am not concerned. Everyone can find a blog to read for free on some other place.

It is a long weekend here in Ontario. Yesterday, I went to National Park, I forgot the name, 3 and 1/2 hours drive from Toronto, between Kingston and Ottawa. I had nice, relaxing time but my friend and I, were exhausted when returned back to Toronto. 

The Angel came around 10 pm and three of us had a late dinner at the restaurant. The Angel was not so angry upon reading the latest post. She just commented that she does not ask for any money from me. And she told me not to write about her anymore. 

Now, it is Sunday afternoon, 5 PM, I am waiting for my daughter to come. We will go to restaurant to eat. Today I went to Levis jeans wholesale outlet and I bought 3 pairs of 501 Levis jeans (blue, gray and olive) and two Levis t-shorts. I like original 501 jeans.

Back to the blog... My friend asked me what is my most favorite post on this blog. Without doubt my favorite post is  57. BEYOND MIND THERE IS NO SUFFERING written from the book "I am That" by Maharaj Nisargadatta.
You know yourself only through the senses and the mind. You take yourself to be what they suggest; having no direct knowledge of yourself, you have mere ideas; all mediocre, second-hand, by hearsay. Whatever you think you are you take it to be true; the habit of imagining yourself perceivable and describable is very strong with you.

Friday, July 31, 2015

My Girlfriend Doesn't Pay For Anything

..and it bothers me very much.

As you know, I am in a relationship with the Angel and we met in October of 2013. We have broke up 5 times so far and one of the main reason for brakeup was that she does not pay for anything. When we were together, I have paid for 99% of everything that we do, like dinners, vacations, going out, etc. This 1% is for her gasoline when she comes to my place. Even she asked me couple of times to pay for the gas I refuse it.

I am so tired and frustrated about this. It is like living in a marriage. I have to double up every single expense. I am not a cheap guy but also I am not a crazy guy.

I have to write about my life honestly. I have started to avoid going out with her because I simply don't want to pay dinners, movies and $6 for caffee latte in Starbucs.

She will read this post and she will be probably disappointed but I don't care. I'm tired of this and I'm writing the truth. If she wants to breakup with me let her do it... It is perfect time for breakup, the Venus (planet of love) is in its retrograde course.

You see, my readers, some women are experts at extracting money from men. They possess the ability to work very little, but enjoy all the frills that come to those who work hard for their money. 

One my friend had a girlfriend and she openly told him that she is with him only because he has money. And this is not so rare...

I thought a lot about this before writing this post. 

First of all, I realize that the Angel has a part time job and she is a lot worse off than I am... I know financially she is always stressing and barely able to pay rent. Anyways, we've been going out about a year and a half and she has literally not put a dollar into our relationship. I have paid for EVERYTHING. And that I don't tolerate anymore.

I don't know what I'm going to do. NOW or NEVER, Blue Moon :-)


The August 2015 - in this month you will finally make the decisions that you delayed. Now, it is time to perform something that happen once in a lifetime. It is the crucial time that happen in your life, say astrologers.

The cosmic phenomenon called "Blue Moon" that takes place today in the translation from astrologers means something will happen now or never.

Today is the sky of the Blue Moon, which is this time in the sign of Aquarius. The term blue moon is used when in one month the full moon appears twice. For the first time fool moon appeared on July 1 in the sign of Capricorn.

This phenomenon you'll see only in 2018 again. Astrologers say this is the end of the challenges and lessons that started in 2012.

Energy of blue moon further enhances retrograde Venus. This is an unprecedented cosmic event, true month of transition. As if the heavens crashed to slow us down. This month you will finally make the decisions that you delayed. It may be the crucial events in your life. Venus is the planet of love, and she will now associated with the moon affect the state of love. If you do not have any, it is now possible that love may happen in your life, according to astrologers.

They believe that the appearance of the blue moon moment is time for discovering and solving many problems. It is believed that those who have doubts about the marriage or ties may now decide to end it, while those who are alone can be expected to enter into a new relationship.

This moment is continuation since 2012 and now you are on the threshold of something new, something big.

They say that there is no perfect time to do something, but this moment is very good.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

There and back again

Hey, I am back!!!

I deleted the entire blog but then my friends complain about it so I decided to continue writing. In blogger platform there is 90 days period for deleted blog to be recovered by a simple click. So I just did that. All returned to previous state.

I removed the last post and now the thing goes on as usually...

It is so hot and humid in Toronto. It is above 30 degrees every day and it is really hard to move around. I practiced yoga on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and today I took the rest. Moon day is tomorrow so there will be no practice. 

I need the rest, my lower back is hurting me, maybe due to cold air from air-conditioner. I keep room temperature on 22 C.

Last night I was with my friends at the pub and we planned to go to Georgian Bay - Collingwood area on weekend. Here in Ontario the Monday is off so we have a long weekend. I reserved the house with 4 bedrooms but then my reservation was rejected. They want more then one night rental. 

The Angel came last night to my place and she tried to get another cottage rental but without success. So long weekend is coming and I have no plans whatsoever.

Monday, July 27, 2015

It feels safe and loving

The weekend was amazing. The Angel came around 8 PM on Saturday and she stayed until 9 PM on Sunday. We prepared meals together and we enjoyed eating on the balcony. We went to the  Canadian Tire and we bought the outside set for my balcony - sofa, table and chair. It looks really nice and it is very cozy.

I am happy with the Angel. In our relationship we have reached the point where we trust each other. I have enough time to be alone with my friends which is important thing for me. I also encourage her to go out with her friends.

In my marriage, for a long time, I was wrapped in a cocoon of fear, fear of rejection, and uncertainty. I stopped putting myself out there. I was fully unavailable. After my separation for a three months I maintained a wall to separate myself from everything. I finally let that wall come down and it took time and trust in myself to realize that I need friends and a girlfriend. 

I didn't look at every female as my possible girlfriend. I met many women but only couple were on my mind. Many people when in relationships tend to shut out parts of their lives they love in order to focus that time on partner. I was careful not to do that mistake again. I kept my own individuality in all of my relationships.

Ending my marriage came with a natural grieving process and it was important to acknowledge and accept that. After my separation, I ran away to my friends. Although I was surrounded with my friends, I actually found pieces of myself. I rediscovered my laughter. 

All this time with the Angel and my friends, I use to grow. Instead of allowing a breakup to become a stone weighing me down they pushed me towards being more alive. 

I am into the relationship with the Angel because I need attention and physical connection. She is a dear friend and I like holding her hand, hug her and rest my head on her shoulder — just to get the touch. It feels safe and loving. 

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Friday Night - the Pravda Club

Life goes on slowly but surely. Maybe I should not write a post if I don't have anything to say. But again I always have something to say. The masturbation post reached 500 clicks in one day. People do like masturbation.

Yesterday after work I went to friend's house. Other friends joined us and we had barbecue. Around 10:30 PM we all went to Pravda club in downtown Toronto. We danced, drank beer and we joked. It was beautiful night. We stayed until 2 AM.

For transportation we used Uber taxi. It is wonderful and for me a new way of going around the city especially when you have one or more drinks. The Uber is really inexpensive and we paid only $27 from downtown to my friends place. Amazing. 

This week I had 5 yoga practices. I missed a practice on Thursday morning when the Angel came for sleepover. The rest of days were according to my schedule. My hamstrings are hurting me but generally speaking I have a lot of energy. 

Last week every single day was around 30 C and I don't like this hot and humid weather. My air conditioning is working ... It's funny how time flies, I'm just having fun watching it fly by.

The more I think about my life, the more I realize there is nothing to be understood. I wasted so much of that time reading spiritual shit...

Knowing life is intelligence, knowing myself is kind of wisdom. Mastering life and myself is power. This is what Lau Tzu said but I don't give a damn for that. Power? 

Power for what? 

Friday, July 24, 2015

I Masturbated Every Day for 7 Days and This is What Happened

First of all, you’re probably going - What? How is this in any way interesting? I masturbated every day, and what happened. Secondly, this isn't a sexual explicit post about masturbation techniques. Although I don't have nothing against describing it. Maybe some pictures as well. I like it. Haha :-)

What I want to point out is ridiculousness of articles of this type "I did something for some period of time and this is what happened". I don't like those articles so I decided to write the one.

Here’s my masturbation story.

It started in early in elementary school. The first time I ever masturbated was at my family house back home, when I stayed up all night learning for history exam. It was fucking amazing!!! Not only did I not sleep when I tried to lie down at 5 am for 3 hours of shut eye before class, but I pretty much had an out of body experience from the orgasm. Passed the exam, though.

I was a regular after that. And then I started to learn about how masturbation affects hormones. I also realized I was using it as a relaxing meditation because I was tired. Working and studying, going to school will really take the energy out of you. I was so burned out once I graduated with my computer programming degree... 

So what does this have to do with masturbation, and more importantly, what does this have to do with me masturbating every day for 7 days? I’ll get to that.

I didn't write about masturbation before, and the main thing is that everybody does it and it affects everyone differently. If you’re tired every morning or all day because you lack energy, you may be masking underlying need for masturbation. If you struggle with insomnia or anxiety, masturbation may help.

Back to my story: So I realized sexual self-gratification was serving me well. It was an artificial energy boost that I needed for my daily fatigue and anxiety.  Which brings me to present day. I’m currently living on my own and I have a girlfriend but regadless I do masturbate in great abundance. 

I masturbated for 7 days and this is what happened...

DAY 1: tired from socializing and previous night hungover I was home alone and masturbation sounds like a great idea! I sit on the computer and I watched some porn. I’m definitely awake.

DAY 2: it’s there, and everyone else is doing it, and gosh it feels good. I masturbated for about half an hour. I have a great run! It really enhances my yoga practice. Wheeeee!!!! I get a ton of work done.

DAY 3: sure, why not? I have lots to do. I touch myself for the same amount but get considerably less euphoria than the previous days. Also start craving new porn videos and I felt arousal in the afternoons. Huh. I thought those days were long gone.

DAY 4: I want to go on another run, so I fuel up for 20 minutes or so. It doesn't feel good as day before, but whatever. Also, I’m really hungry.

DAY 5: OK, is this a tolerance thing? Maybe it’s not feeling as good as the fuck but what a hell... my stomach starts eating itself around 11 am. I am STARVING. But I just ate breakfast like 2 hours ago. I eat a huge lunch and crash HARD in the afternoon, then get really bad sugar cravings. Angry. I want a chocolate.

DAY 6: just habit at this point. It’s there. I guess this is what we’re doing now.

DAY 7: didn't sleep well last night, so what the hell. Have a strong orgasm in the morning and hit jackpot. Go for yoga practice. I'm flying... I was feeling tired in the afternoon after lunch. Having TERRIBLE mood swings, major irritability, and I hate myself and everyone at work.

DAY 8: I actually wake up kind of exhausted. So what the heck is going on? OMG,  I've picked up a masturbation habit the past 7 days, and now I feel like crap. I must go back to my girlfriend.

A masturbation has never agreed with me, but I never really noticed that until I started doing it regularly.